


Rumination

by joouheika



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: First Time, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Past Relationship(s), Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 12:55:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14593479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joouheika/pseuds/joouheika
Summary: A false hero laments the fate of the reluctant and the true. SPOILERS UP TO CHP 99





	Rumination

**Author's Note:**

> written by request

Before him, no one had ever looked at Reiner with those sort of eyes.

Admiration, adoration- to be held as if he were dependable and someone worthy to look up to. At first Reiner considered it merely a given for him emulating Marcel’s qualities. Because he acted like he could be trusted, he was trusted. Because he lent a hand, a hand was always there for him too. Because he set out to protect and support those around him, so he was protected and supported in turn. It was all thanks to a convincing act, founded by his guilt for being alive. His new comrades, friends, soldiers not warriors. Loved and appreciated him like he’d never known or thought possible for him. 

Most of all the owner of that dazzling gaze that always looked up to him- causing his heart to skip a beat in wonder. Always gazing at the world around him with such intensity, Reiner had been waiting for the day. When Eren would see right through him.

As, it was Marcel who had been the one- to hold all these qualities Reiner is pretending to possess. It was obvious in the way his real fellow comrades treated him. No matter how hard he tried he could not replace Marcel. Too obvious. Annie with distaste, Bertholdt with his pity and sympathies. It was obvious he should have been the one to die. Try as he may to be a leader, to forge forth bravely. Before he’d met his father perhaps he could have believed in that lie better, that as someone part Marleyan- courage would be a granted.

But is the apple not rotten? If only a bite of it is black? It matters not if the rot is to the core. An Eldian is an Eldian. A coward is a coward. As much as he deludes himself and makes a story that’s convincing to even the devil. Deny as he might, he knows the truth.

He’d avoided it long enough. Too long. Reiner can’t help but feel he should have faced this truth sooner. Then it would have been easier, to end it all. Annie wouldn’t have gotten captured. Bertholdt would still be alive. Marcel too. Reiner wouldn’t have had to return home, to see that gaze. Those similar eyes Gabi had turned to him. Too striking in emotion, too much like him- too dazzling, Eren’s feelings.

Eren.

Who no longer looks upon him as he did then-

—-

It’d been during one of their trainee days. Regular. Commonplace.

He’d been the first to return to their sleeping quarters. For once not going later with Bertholdt as they usually tagged around each other; more convenient for their mission they agreed. But Reiner feels sometimes Bertholdt is overly worried about him... even if it’s with good reason, it’s not like Reiner can’t be alone. Though he prefers not to be on most days. Finding it easier to keep up this persona, to keep smiling if everyone around him too is-

It’s with some uncertainty and even fear that Reiner finds all the bunks empty. Alone in the room. Everyone else still busy with finishing duties, classes, training. The few of them already set to go to the mess hall or call it a night still engaged with the evening. Reiner had let Bertholdt to it, thinking it a nice change of pace as he’d attempted to draw Annie into conversation; sitting next to her with his meal tray. Reiner skipping out so she’d have no excuses for a getaway. Most of the time it’s because of him isn’t it? They’d both be having an easier time without him...

To take his mind off this, he sits on his bed. Looking about the room, some bunks tidier than others. He ends up getting up after he checks to make sure no one has come in. 

It’d not be good for his image to be considered a snoop. He can see Armin’s bunk is in order aside the piles of books about it. Bertholdt’s somehow tangled covers from his odd sleeping positions every night. The floor near Thomas’s bunk where he spilt some oil that’s stain won’t come out. Connie with too much of his dirty clothes tossed about. Jean’s bed with a dirty book sticking out of the mattress. Reiner decides to help him hide it but accidentally tugs more of it out in the process. He realises it’s not one of Jean’s usual dirty books nor is it Jean’s. He’d gotten confused since Jean has this bunk with Marco. It’s Marco... that has this dirty book... where two men are-

Reiner jumps.

Too caught up, sweat dripping down his chin, in the graphic details of this porno he should not be flipping through. Had he been more alert he’d have noticed that there had been someone in the room. Familiar bed head sticking up as Eren had leaned from his bunk on waking to tap his shoulder. 

Yawning, “What time is it Reiner?”

That’s right- during practice, Annie had handled Eren a tad too roughly and knocked him out. He’d gone to the infirmary and must have gotten a clear to rest the rest of the day which would explain why he’d been sleeping-

“What are you reading?” Eren asks, up, peering over his shoulder. Reiner cursing himself internally for getting Eren caught up in his own jab at Annie. Had he kept to sparring with Eren as Eren insisted most days- Reiner finding it hard to deny him when Eren always praises him; eager to learn some new useful technique from him- then he’d not be in this predicament right now.

Unfortunately he can’t hide the book quick enough for Eren not to see it nor to seem unsuspicious so Reiner settles on replying to Eren, a fist to his mouth as he clears his throat.

“I’m not sure. I found it on the floor,” he didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s reputation even if his own may be tarnished... right? “It’s weird isn’t it? There’s no way two men would do this. It’s not natural.”

Reiner is proud he’s managed that much. He looks to Eren expectantly, who will surely agree-

“It isn’t weird Reiner. You’re wrong. It’s totally natural.”

Is what Eren says.

Expression a twinge surprised, as if Reiner of all people should have known that. Reiner had felt as if his stomach had been falling out from beneath him, except he wasn’t able to process the feeling fast enough as Eren continues-

“What? Have you never done it like that before? It’s possible.”

A bit of a laugh, as if Eren is embarrassed. _For him._

Then- Eren’s lips by his ear as he leans in close. Not before glancing about the barrack room. To make sure as Reiner had attempted- that they’re alone.

It’s only the two of them.

“Do you want me to prove it to you?”

What.

Eren’s hand is at his shoulder as he cups a hand to cover between the barely empty space between his ear and Eren’s lips as he says, hushed- “Do you want to do it with me tonight?”

Their reaction time is instantaneous with the door opening. Marco’s porno is shoved back into the mattress and both Reiner and Eren are at their assigned bunks, in their designated beds as Connie and Jean finish their conversation. Loud enough that Eren scowls their way, instigating a louder argument between him and Jean. Armin who walks in shortly tries to mediate it but it’s Reiner in the end who tears them apart. Lightheartedly scolding them as everyone else steadily returns so they can all turn in for the night.

Snores and gentle snoozing rises and rolls about the dark room. Reiner falls asleep. Awakened in the shadowed moonlight by a hand on his shoulder urging him awake, a hand across his mouth. He may have mistaken it for Bertholdt, for an emergency meeting but the touch is too gentle. The green eyes peering at him-

Bright, as they glance to the door, Eren’s head nodding that way as well. Reiner follows Eren out into the dark hall. Both stealthy and silent as Eren leads him to the warehouse where supplies are piled in wooden boxes high around. Eren has managed to find in the somewhat disorganized zigzag a spot that’s unseen from all sides. A lantern dimmed by the bedding he’s set up. Eren speaking quietly, it startles Reiner since it’s not like him.

“Lie down,” Eren says, Reiner does. Onto his back, his elbows propping him up. He swallows. Laughter light again as he asks, “Hey... you... you were joking earlier weren’t you? We’re not really... gunna do this right?”

Eren’s expression is incredulous as he regards him in the half fleshed out darkness, “Of course we are! We snuck out all this way for a reason! It’d be a waste not to!”

The two of them that tried to always abide rules. One out of fear, the other unless his temper called for otherwise.

Reiner covers his eyes with his hands as he realises Eren is taking his clothes off. He doesn’t remove them until Eren tugs at them, pulling them to his waist.

“Don’t worry Reiner,” Eren tells him, almost soothingly, comforting, “It’s going to feel good.”

Reiner feels his whole face grow hot as he sits up for bettered balance. Eren pulls Reiner’s shirt off. A pile of their clothing mounding. Along with their shoes. Only Reiner’s sweats remain as Eren runs his hands across Reiner’s chest, his sigh one Reiner recognises. Heard in the locker rooms, or on a sunny day trekking. 

“Your body is amazing,” Eren is telling him, his voice an echo to before. “I wish I could be this strong. Feel me. Compared to you I’m not even close.”

Eren draws one of Reiner’s hands to touch his breast, his flat and less defined stomach. While muscle is there it’s nothing to Reiner’s abs. But, it feels nice. Reiner stutters something out about that, heart tumbling in his breast as Eren covers his mouth to laugh, “What. That’s nice of you.”

He straddles Reiner’s lap, pressing his chest to his, his belly, rubbing as he leans forward to kiss Reiner’s cheek. Softly speaking into his ear, “Wanna feel more?”

A throb in Reiner’s hearing, his vision, his entire body as he grows hot, sluggish as he looks over Eren. From his bewitching green eyes, his soft lips in half a smile, his collarbone defined under the lantern light. How pink his nipples are as Eren stops rubbing their bodies together to make space between them. So he can reach down and touch Reiner. Reiner gasping as Eren places his hand beneath the untied band of Reiner’s sweats. Stroking his-

“Hey. Hey now Eren, what-“

“Like I said it’s going to feel good,” Eren’s words are between pants as he pumps Reiner’s cock. Warmth between their bodies, the fabric of Reiner’s remaining clothes. Eren’s hand. Eren’s legs spreading, his plush thighs trembling about Reiner’s hips. His own cock erect and slapped against his softer belly Reiner had felt to his own minutes before. Eren kisses the cheek he’s yet to.

“I’ve already prepared myself, alright? Let’s go, Reiner...”

Then Eren is pulling his cock out from his loosened sweats. Eren sitting up on his knees. His chest heaving, his eyelashes fluttering as he reaches back with his unoccupied hand to part the cheeks of his ass. Gasping almost pained, the way he does when Reiner is atop of him and grappling too hard (oh... that’s) with him...

Reiner pants as he feels his cock steadily slide into Eren’s tight, hot, wet anus. His head snapping back when he’s almost in to the hilt, a groan escaping him. Eclipsed with Eren’s high, almost needy moan. 

“See? What’d I tell you?” Eren is smiling at him, his face flushed. He looks too pleased for a guy with a cock in his ass. But Eren hadn’t been wrong. It feels good. Better as Eren starts to move above him, drawing up, then down. The friction enough for Reiner to feel spirals of pleasure. Eren coaxing his hands to his hips. To move him of his own accord too.

“M-move, Reiner,” Eren is saying, struggling to fit him in, to stay upright, he’s almost- no- he’s really-

Eren is cute.

Pretty.

That’s what Reiner remembers thinking distinctly, a heat blaring through him as he remembered the other positions he’d seen in that dirty book. Thinking how it’d be nice to see Eren, to feel Eren- in those other positions if he could. So gathering his courage. Reiner rolls them around. Grabbing at Eren like they’re grappling, Eren’s legs wrapped and clenched around his waist in a manner they both know, so-

“Uh Eren. It’s more comfortable like this huh?”

Reiner says, his cock buried inside Eren. It feels good, so good, really good. Like this Reiner is confident to move on his own. So he does. Thrusting his hips back and forth, his cock filling and refilling Eren’s hole again, again. Eren crying, moaning beneath him. Clinging onto him as Reiner discovers how good it can really feel. His thrusts a feverish tremor as he continues and Eren’s cries pitch. Hesitantly, he kisses at Eren’s neck. Biting, licking at it more fervently as Eren moans louder, encouraged since Eren seems to really enjoy it.

Reiner feels happy, to pleasure Eren like this since... he likes it too. Eren’s hot asshole clinging around his bulging cock. Eren’s softer body beneath his, his arms around him pulling him close, Eren’s legs around around him pulling him closer. His warmth, his voice, his smell. All of it is so compelling to Reiner. He never wants to leave this embrace. Reiner cums inside Eren, Eren releasing himself a few moments after Reiner. Satisfied from being filled with Reiner’s cum. Reiner stills as Eren kisses him over the mouth, wetly, hungrily. As if everything else before this would not have been enough without this.

Eren lies back against the bedding, panting as he smiles up at Reiner. A hand reaching to stroke his cheek.

“I’m happy,” Eren says, while looking at him with all the adoration the world could hold, “I finally got to do something for you.”

“Huh?” Reiner can’t help his surprise.

It amassing as he pulls out. Swallowing almost nervously at Eren’s flinching ass, his hole swollen and red aside from the cum leaking out. Eren pinches at his red face. Kissing him again as Reiner settles down atop him, beside him. Both exhausted, sweaty and hot. Like after a training session.

What is it? What is it that Reiner is-?

“You are always teaching me new things. It was my turn to teach you something,” Eren continues, Reiner speechless as Eren snuggles up against him.

Reiner drawing his hand back as he’d reached- reaching out again to touch Eren’s hair, then his flushed cheek. Cupping it, feeling its softness in his palm.

“How was it?” Eren asks, “It was your first time wasn’t it?”

Eren looks overly pleased by that. Reiner swallows, unable to posture. Feeling vulnerable, caught. He realises he doesn’t want to lie to Eren, not anymore.

“Yeah, it was. It was good Eren. You’re really cute... for a guy.”

Reiner settles on that, not expecting Eren’s flustered reaction- “I-is that so?”

Eren buries his head to Reiner’s chest momentarily, then beaming up at him, “Honestly, it’s been a while since I did this so I’m glad I could help you.”

“Yeah!” Reiner forces out, trying to be energetic, helpful too to Eren, “You were great! Really! You can practice with me whenever you want!”

That’s not it.

That’s not what Reiner wanted to say.

He wants to be honest, with Eren. But it’s not the time. Would there ever be a time? That he can say what he means? Especially to him, who’s looking up at him gratefully. Joyfully. Eren really is cute. Sweet. Kind. Reiner doesn’t deserve this but he wants it. Eren’s attention, his affections.

“Okay! Let’s keep practicing together!”

“We can only improve,” Reiner says in motivation not caring about that either. He wants to thank Eren, to coddle him, to be loved by him. As he- as Reiner feels he’s fallen in love with him. Eren. He wants to take Eren home with him.

“Where... where did you learn how to do all this?” Reiner finds himself asking, derailing from what he should be saying.

Eren snuggles up closer, a thoughtful ‘hmmm’ before replying.

“When I was younger. I met a soldier with muscles as cool as yours. I won’t tell you his name because he’s rather well known. I practiced with him a lot before I came to train to be a soldier.”

Reiner doesn’t know what he’d been expecting, “I see,” he settles for his response, heart throttling forward as Eren hugs him. Eren rising to press and rub his nose to his, “I’ve always admired him but I think I’ve come to like you just as much.”

Reiner kisses Eren. Eren laughing against his lips when he’s too hasty. 

They rest enough before the sun comes up, having an early wash ahead of everyone else so Eren can teach him what else feels good. They’re the first in the mess hall. Ravenously hungry even in Sasha’s eyes.

Reiner wishes he could have stayed in those vibrant days, with Eren.

—

If Reiner had told Eren then, not later on, the truth. Would Eren have felt less hurt from it? Would he have been more inclined to believe in Reiner? To go with him? When they try to take him by force, too much was going on. Reiner felt like he was losing it. He held onto hope, because he was certain he could make Eren understand. Eren had understood him before. Had held him, been held by him...

In the end it didn’t turn out that way.

In the end every fear he’s ever had came falling, crashing down on him. The fears he’d had growing up, worried he’d disappoint his mother and his country. His born fears of disappointing his peers, his already disappointed father. His fears. Eating at him that he should never have come home at all. That he shouldn’t keep living. That he should never have kissed or fucked Eren.

Reiner fears.

What if Zeke finds out? Using that skill he has to peer into their minds, their memories, their hearts? What if he finds out that Reiner had touched his baby brother he wanted to know more about? Was so curious about? Was so enamored by? What would have Zeke done if he’d been in Reiner’s position? He should have been there instead, not a false big brother like Eren once held Reiner as, but his big brother in all senses. It wouldn’t have been messed up, the plan, everything- if they’d sent capable War Chief Zeke instead of him.

Reiner loathes himself.

He can’t do anything right.

He’s worthless.

He knows it.

He should just die.

But even when he tries to end it himself he can’t even do that right. It wouldn’t be right to die. Without passing down the Armored Titan.

(Is that really what he wants?)

He’s such a faker.

He’ll keep going through the motions, the sham of expectations.

(Actually.) 

Until that day comes he can grovel at Eren’s feet. Not to beg for forgiveness but release. Punishment. For all that he lacks. For being unable to be the strong person Eren thought he was, an admirable big brother, fellow soldier, friend, lover. A hero.

Reiner had thought his suffering would last forever. Then Falco had led him down beneath the stage to where he’d been waiting-

Eren.

Reiner had fallen to his knees in dread. A bigger coward than he’d thought- a coward as he should have appeared to begin with in Eren’s eyes. Undeserving of even the lie. He’d been ready for it to all end there except-

“Oh. Forget that, sorry about that,” Eren had said in reply to his laid bare regrets.

“We are pretty much the same, you and I.”

He’d also said.

That’s not true, Reiner had thought... then he’d understood. Eren. Always. Just and true. Would be following his bad example. Was it because of him that Eren had turned out this way? That Eren- was going to shoulder a sin akin to his?

No, but Eren tries to sooth him, comfort him, nonetheless and Reiner-

“I wanted to become a hero, just like you wanted to become a hero once before too.”

-still loves him.

That’s why.

He should die. If Eren won’t kill him. Won’t punish him as he deserves to. He won’t do anything. Saving Falco is enough. So no one else becomes a villain like him. So no one makes the same mistakes. All those kids... Gabi... who looks up at him. So no one else sheds anymore blood.

He won’t move from this spot.

Eren’s once dazzling gaze, for him, upon him. Unseen not because Reiner has been caught a fraud and unworthy, yet rather he has stolen it already, extinguished it. Killed it. The biggest crime of all. Destroyed. All his hopes. All of Eren’s dreams. They won’t ever return to those warm days, where Reiner pretended and was even allowed to _believe_.

There are no heroes here, on this stage. 

Reiner need not move a muscle.

The curtain can fall whenever Eren deems, Reiner owes him that much.

He can at least do that, can’t he?


End file.
